The Demoralization Dinosaur

It's been one of those days at work. It's not that it was horrible...horrible would constitute one of my ancient bookcases coming crashing down on a child's head, or A. and J. punching each other out first period, my electronic catalogue being wiped out, or the University Chemistry Club spilling acid all over the print collection (as may happen when the visit our school and set up shop in the library for the day...not my choice).

No, this was just a day where I exhaust myself trying to squeeze the elephant in the room out the door, except for the sake of alliteration let's call it the Demoralization Dinosaur. Unlike the light, laminated paper Genre Giraffe and Reference Rhinocerous posted in front of the library, the Demoralization Dinosaur is invisible but very, very heavy. The DD means looking at one's schedule without library management periods. The DD is sticking a couple of classes in front of the video for two periods so one can get two months worth of basic accounting done, and getting almost nothing done despite this because the kids can't even sit still for a freaking video. The DD smothers your brain while you're trying to find the right words in a memo to explain to one's administrator--and mind you I really like the one I directly report to--why it is important that I get the accounting done instead of writing and carrying out intricate lesson plans. The DD nods its head smugly after your student "helpers" seem to be unable to follow the simplest of directions. The DD makes you feel guilty because in the middle of trying to do your accounting, you snapped at a student who needed your help. The DD takes over when you can't remember the names of the students you care about so much. The DD whacks you over the head when your direct supervisor send back my lesson plan book with the complaint there is "too much repetition;" in other words, it's not good enough to repeat and reinforce skills in the very short time I have to teach anyway in between checking out books. I don't take it personally; like I said I like my admin and he likes me; But the admins are doing this to all of the teaching staff to "prove" to the state that they are making us lazy teachers do our jobs. The latest directive was at the end of the day staff meeting; all staff now have to sign out at the end of the day in addition to signing in, like we are in a bloody factory. Comes from the Voldemorts at the top; no one is happy about it. It also may follow me home, when I see my child's report card. It has already followed her best friend home; the child is crying over it.

Every once in a while in a chat with my VP, we agree that we like our jobs despite all of the disrespect from central office, the state and the ordinary citizen; we also like our well-deserved benefits. We like the fact that our jobs are recession-proof; kids still need to be educated. Sometimes I feel I have no right to feel demoralized when I am seeing the effects of the recession around me in friends and aquaintances--the layoffs, the inability to find enough work, being in the wrong political party to find work, the after-hours hourly jobs, the loss of retirement funds--as I wrote earlier, there is terrible and there is demoralizing and there is a difference. I'll try to keep my chin up. It is odd; this feeling that I like my job and feel grateful every day that I chose my career; and yet I feel demoralized. How can that be?